Darkmatters Review: Twilight Saga - New Moon

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (12a)

Dir. Chris Weitz

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: fangs-for-nothing

Prepare yourself for the swoon-em-up sequel to one of last year’s dullest yet most successful films… Yes the money making, tween girl pleasing, vampire/werewolf love triangle storms back into cinemas taking millions of dollars (biggest opening day in history to date no less!?) and fluttering the hearts of females aplenty.

At the sold out screening in Letchworth where the audience was 98% female, the last film I saw with this much oestrogen in the theatre was shopping and shagging fest ‘Sex and the City’ – alas New Moon isn’t much better.

For non Twilighters out there who haven’t read the million selling books, this is the sorry tale of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) who fell in love with pasty faced vampire-lite Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) in the first film. Here he decides to move on “to protect her” and she is devastated and mopes about for what feels like hours. But the plot dictates that she get back on with her life and hunky Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) steps in to be her surrogate man. Bella however seems to have a knack for picking the ‘wrong’ bloke as Jacob turns out to be a werewolf and he too tells her to get lost so that she doesn’t end up as his dinner… Director Chris Weitz who managed to ruin The Golden Compass does the bare minimum here – what could have been an intriguing if cheesy exploration of teen heartbreak is unforgivably lifeless – almost as if it’s blood had been drained from it.

I’m not saying New Moon is a terrible film, it’s just an okay one and it’s a shame. Of course that hasn’t / won’t stop thousands of people chomping at the bit to declare their ‘Team Edward’ or ‘Team Jacob’ allegiance… But the question of the film is - who will Bella pick?

At least there are a couple of slightly better action sequences this time, including a genuinely creepy interlude featuring ‘The Volturi’ - the closest thing vampires have to royalty. Fast rising film star poppet of the moment Dakota Fanning pops up here and is excellent as the powerful daughter of one of the vampire’s royal command – and she’ll be back in the next Twilight film ‘Eclipse’. Speaking of which Twilight 3 will be directed by David ’30 Days of Night’ Slade – who is a director I admire and someone who might just do the seemingly impossible: make the first really cool film of the Twilight Saga. We’ll find out next year!?

"Fanning isn't happy with the red-eye on her vampire holiday snaps"

Darkmatters final rating / out of 10: öööööö (6 – no worse than part one... no better really either)


Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (if you want vampire / werewolf action try Underworld)

Style 7 (maintains the bespoke dreariness of the first film)

Babes 6 (Kristen Stewart is kooky hot, Fanning has potential in a few years)

Comedy 4 (gloomy rather than funny)

Horror 5 (not scary at all)

Spiritual Enlightenment -4 ("I don't even want my soul" gushes Bella in the hope of trading damnation for some vampire sex... women eh?)

PlayStation®Network Video Delivery Service - The Future of Home Entertainment

PlayStation®Network Video Delivery Service for Europe
Now Available on PlayStation®3 and PSP™(PlayStation®Portable)

More than 800 movies available, to rent or to own, at the click of a button - I have witnessed the future of home entertainment... it is the PlayStation Network Video Delivery Service!!

LONDON, TODAY– 19th November 2009: Sony Computer Entertainment Europe (SCEE) further expanded its PlayStation® entertainment experience today with the launch of the PlayStation®Network video delivery service for Europe. Now available in France, Germany, Spain and the UK, with other countries to follow in 2010, the service allows film fans to download hundreds of movies, including the latest releases, straight to their PlayStation®3 (PS3™) and PSP™ (PlayStation®Portable).

More than 800 movies are available to rent (from £2.49) or to buy (from £6.99), many in High Definition* (HD) as well as Standard Definition (SD), from major movie studios including 20th Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company 1, Lionsgate, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (MGM), Paramount Pictures, Sony Pictures, Starz Media, Universal, and Warner Bros.

Titles available within the launch window include Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl; Public Enemies; Star Trek; Terminator Salvation; Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen; Bruno; Disney/Pixar’s Cars; Walt Disney Pictures’ The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe; Crank 2; The Dark Knight; Dead Space: Downfall; Drag Me to Hell; Gran Torino; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix;Valkyrie and the obligatory tat like Angels and Demons; National Treasure and X-Men Origins: Wolverine etc...

Additional content will be added on a weekly basis.



"Grab that Hangover... pure quality entertainment!"


Content from local UK studios, Optimum Releasing, ContentFilm International and E1 Entertainment UK, will be available on the English Video Store, including the movies In the Loop and Knowing.

“The launch of the PlayStation Network video delivery service extends our entertainment offering and provides consumers with another way to access their favourite movies, whether at home or on the go,” said Andrew House, President and CEO, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe. “With the choice of content constantly expanding, including full games, bite-size downloadable “minis” games, demos and now movies too, the PlayStation Network is the gateway to a world of entertainment.”


"You want movies?... you got em!!"

At launch, there will be a special offer for existing PSN members, allowing them to receive a complimentary copy of The Da Vinci Code if they buy Angels and Demons. There will also be a special promotion to encourage new members. Anyone who registers for a PlayStation®Network account using their new PS3s between 19th & 30th November 2009 will receive a voucher to download a complimentary copy of Transformers to own2.

Located on the PlayStation®Store under the “Video Store” section, the PlayStation Network video delivery service provides consumers with an exceptional entertainment experience, adding HD and SD movies for rental or purchase, to the already comprehensive line-up of games, demos, trailers and other content.

The video delivery service will be fully integrated within the PlayStation Network, using the same log-in, wallet system and user-interface. Visitors can search for movies by name, or can browse categories such as “new releases”, “genres” and ”most popular downloads”. PS3’s progressive downloading allows viewers to start watching a film shortly after the download begins. They can also access certain games or other content on their PS3 while the download is taking place.

Consumers who choose to rent have up to 14 days to watch their movie, and, once playback is started, they have 48 hours to watch the content. Purchased movies are stored on the PS3 hard disk drive and can be accessed at home via PS3 or transferred to PSP for content on the go.

The PlayStation Network video delivery service takes prime position in a line-up of PlayStation entertainment features, alongside streaming music video with VidZone®, Catch Up TV services and free digital TV viewing with PlayTV™. With games, music, Internet, photos, communications and more, it’s yet another reason to make PS3 and PSP the heart of your entertainment world.

To find out more, visit http://videostore.uk.playstation.com/offer_listings.html.


"Little Boots - played live at the launch of the PlayStation®Network Video Delivery Service. You could say that Sony are using little boots to 'kick the ass of the Xbox 360' LOL"

* Initially HD content will only be available to rent

1 Content only available to rent or to buy in the UK and to rent in Germany at launch

2 The promotional code will be sent to eligible customers in December 2009.

Darkmatters Review: Harry Brown

Harry Brown (18)

Dir. Daniel Barber

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: granturino-uk

If you can’t beat em – shoot em! That’s the motto of vengeful pensioner Harry Brown (an excellent Sir Michael Caine), a man driven to take drastic vigilante action when his friend is brutally murdered by a gang of feral youths.

Harry Brown is a powerful, violent and deeply shocking film - a very poignant commentary on ‘broken Britain’ where kids kill for fun and drug dealers rule lawless council estates. There has been much media discussion about the Daily Mail pleasing ‘decent man fights back against nasty wrong-un drugged up teens’ and have to admit that it certainly strikes a chord. I saw this in Luton where during the screening a fight broke out amongst the viewers – it was life imitating art in the scariest possible way.

Harry is an uncomplicated man, his life consists of simple pleasures such as playing chess with his best mate Leonard (David ‘Filch from Harry Potter’ Bradley). Harry’s wife is dying though and when he loses first her and then Leonard, he’s left with nothing but a itch to seek justice for his friend’s death.

The police don’t come across well here, first there’s the compassionate but ultimately useless DCI Frampton (Emily Mortimer). She works with the young ambitious Hickcock (Charlie Creed-Miles) whose beat is the hell hole estate Harry Brown shares with scum of the earth gangs, one of which killed Leonard. Harry however has an inner steel, and thanks to his marine training he sets about taking the law into his own hands.

"My name is... Harry Brown"

Director Daniel Barber delivers a beautifully crafted film - the crunching violence hits hard but isn’t dwelt on and is fairly integral to the plot. Caine in the lead role is fantastic, mixing a believable amount of angst, hopelessness and grit into what could become a cult classic character to rank up there with Jack Carter. The other stand out performance is from Ben Drew who follows up his similar role in Adulthood by embodying the vilest young scumbag on the block ‘Noel’ and is becoming the ‘go to guy’ for these ne’er-do-well types.

Harry Brown is without doubt the scariest film I’ve seen this year, it’s just too plausible and all the more terrifying for that. If you have the stomach for violent scenes and want a haunting view of society unravelling from both ends, pay a visit to Mr Harry Brown.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – viva la marine pensioners!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 9 (nicely done even if hard to watch)

Style 8 (excellently grim visuals)

Babes 7 (Klariza Clayton is a hottie)

Comedy 6 (not much fun this - there is some)

Horror 8 (strong grimness in parts)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (will make you pray for our nation...)

The WILD THINGS are coming!!

Darkmatters is excited about the new 'Where the Wild Things Are' film...

After you've checked out the excellent trailer above - try this cool interview with the creature creators: http://www.vbs.tv/watch/where-the-wild-things-are/sonny-gerasimowicz--2!

Darkmatters Review: Jennifer's Body

Jennifer’s Body (15)

Dir. Karyn Kusama

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: grisslybabelicious

Some girls are just bad news… But none can measure up to the sexy Jennifer (Megan ‘Transformers’ Fox) who sets a whole new standard in being evil. It’s not just that she’s brazen, self centred, slutty and manipulative bitch – Jennifer is literally ‘demonic’ in this fresh horror comedy.
Sure Jennifer is beautiful – as proven from the opening scene where the camera creeps slowly and uncomfortably close all over her body as she lies on her bed. But looks aren’t everything and Jennifer is reliant on her best friend Needy (Amanda ‘Mumma Mia’ Seyfried) for emotional support. The girl’s have been friends since childhood but their relationship is about to stretched to breaking point when scumbag indie-rock band ‘Low Shoulder’ abduct and sacrifice Jennifer to the devil… But due to some occult small print, rather than dying Jennifer is transformed into a flesh eating demon with a taste for boys.
Cue a host of messy murders, teen fumbling and a satanic showdown between the two girls as Needy has to take a stand against her man munching friend / fiend. The film crackles with humour almost as sharp as devilish Jennifer’s fangs thanks to it being written by aptly named Diablo Cody who also penned the excellent Juno. There are some cuttingly well observed moments – my pick being when the band members try to justify their evil plan by moaning “Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay?” Speaking of soundtracks Jennifer’s Body boasts a very cool collection of tracks including White Lies, Little Boots and in a nice touch – the fictional Low Shoulder too.
Director Karyn Kusama certainly does a better job than on her last film – the ‘nice effects shame about the plot’ box office flop Æon Flux – but Jennifer’s Body might be a bit too grim to please everyone. The special effects actually play second fiddle here despite having a monster as the main character, that highlights the fact that there is more to this movie than cheap shocks.
My expectations were lowered when Cineworld attendant Pat told me that it “wasn’t the best effort out there” but for those seeking some dark horror comedy – it doesn’t come much better looking than Jennifer’s Body.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – grows on you)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (Got bite)

Style 8 (High School angst)

Babes 9 (Fox is a nuclear hottie)

Comedy 8 (some genius dark comedy)

Horror 7 (nasty in places)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (not much...)

ENTER THE: DARKMATTERS JENNIFER'S BODY COMPETITION

"she's smokin!"

Darkmatters Review: The Men Who Stare At Goats

The Men Who Stare At Goats (15)

Dir. Grant Heslov

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Goatbusters

What I’m about to share with you is highly confidential.
My name is Lyn Cassady and I’m what you might describe as a psychic spy. People also refer to me as a Jedi warrior – because of my incredible ‘mental’ abilities – because I’m strong ‘in the Force’.

This is my crazy tale (every thing is based on real events), it details what happens when earnest reporter Bob Wilton(Ewan McGregor) joined up with me to blow the lid on the top secret military training program. This secret ‘New Age’ unit was founded by Colonel Bill Django (Jeff Bridges) in order combat the Russian threat of psychic warfare… We wielded unworldly powers, some of us could ‘run through walls’, others could see the future – me? I could kills with my thoughts alone – a feat that tipped me over to the dark side when I misused my powers on an unfortunate goat…

My character of Lyn Cassady is portrayed in The Men Who Stare At Goats by that George Clooney chap, who effortlessly mixes his Ocean’s Eleven charm with his screwball comedy work from films like O Brother Where Art Thou? The result is a hilarious romp that uncovers the drug fuelled insanity that passed for one of the U.S Military’s crack(ed) battalions that swallowed massive amounts of funding and delivered, um, well a guy who could kill goats…


"You looking at me?"

Director Heslov delivers a winning experience that balances the strong wacky comedy elements and mix them in with some great dramatic moments. Most of these come in the form of the battle of wits and minds between Cassady and his nemesis Larry Hooper (an excellently sinister Kevin Spacey).

There is lots to enjoy here, McGregor is less wooden than he has been recently, Clooney is on supernova form in the lead role and Bridges revels in his nutty role which is a spiritual successor to The Big Lebowski’s ‘The Dude’.
Star Wars fans will get particular thrills from the excellent Star Wars references and in-jokes that sparkle in the script that will have you laughing out loud. This is a very different sort of military film, even the gun battle action here is of the madcap kind – including a great scene where two rival security forces end up fight each other unaware of who they are actually shooting at.

For this year’s most unique and funny war movie – you don’t need to be a Jedi Warrior to know that you should be staring at The Men Who Stare At Goats.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – it's a mess, but it's a brilliant mess)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (some Jedi battles...)

Style 8 (tripping that psi-vibe)

Babes 3 (most of the characters are male - or goats)

Comedy 8 (very funny stuff)

Horror 5 (not very grim)

Spiritual Enlightenment 8 (use the Force!!)

Darkmatters Top 5 Christopher Brookmyre Books

"Ohhh - these look good, I wonder what talented individual wrote them?"

The Darkmatters Top 5 Christopher Brookmyre Novels

I love reading – I’ll read pretty much anything but when given the choice, I’ll pick caustic, dark, violent fiction – preferably with a biting wit which will illicit some spontaneous laughter.

To that end I’d list my current favourite authors as:

Iain Banks (also as Iain M Banks)

Irvine Welsh

Chuck Palahniuk

And of course - Christopher Brookmyre

Each of these guys have world views somewhat different to my own, but each can sure put together cracking, compelling and wholly absorbing fiction that has granted me many hours of pure pleasure…

I’ll get round to blogging about my top 5 Banks / Welsh / Palahniuk books at some point but having just finished reading ‘Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks’ I will kick off this literary top 5 series with the man Brookmyre…

I discovered Brookmyre’s cool, funny and exciting tales when I bought his debut novel just because I liked the cover - Quite Ugly One Morning - back in ’97 and have been loving his work ever since.

So without any further ado – here’s my top 5 favourite Brookmyre novels to date (please note that this list does not consider A Snowball in Hell or his latest Pandaemonium as I’m ‘pleasure delaying’ the reading of those and they might well break into this top 5 five at a future date).

All of these 5 I rate as ‘Classic’ status 10/10 scores…

1. One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night

The official promo blurb reads:

The occasion: high school reunion.
The place: an oil rig converted into a tourist resort.
The outcome: carnage.
Gavin is creating a unique ‘holiday experience’; every facility any tourist who hates abroad will ever want will all be available on a converted North Sea oil rig. To test the facilities he’s hosting a reunion for his old school (none of his ex-classmates can remember him, but what the heck, it’s free). He is so busy showing off that he doesn’t notice that another group have invited themselves along – a collection of terrorist mercenaries who are occasionally of more danger to themselves than to the public.
And they in turn are unaware that Inspector MacGregor has got wind of their activities. Within twenty-four hours Gavin’s dream has blown to the four winds, along with a lot of other things.

Dress Casual. Bring your own bullets.

- For me this is pretty much the perfect novel, as a massive fan of Die Hard and other action movies that Brookmyre riffs here... If only they's make a film!!

2. Be My Enemy

The official promo blurb reads:

F**k this for a game of soldiers…
For investigative journalist Jack Parlabane, these are worrying times: it’s been almost three years since anyone tried to kill him and he fears he’s losing his touch. But then comes an assignment in the Scottish countryside that will more than make up for lost time …
Ultimate Motivational Leisure offer the latest in corporate outwards bounds courses, the sort of team building exercises that Jack thinks are decidedly for bankers. The organisers, however, are keen to overturn his prejudices, while Jack is happy to have them reinforced. If nothing else, he gets a free weekend of shooting at PR people with a paintball gun.
Except the longer the weekend goes on, the weirder things start to get. First someone steals the SIM cards from everybody’s mobile phones. Then, when the group accidentally stray onto army land, the army start firing back – and not with cans of Dulux. Suddenly no one can tell what’s real and what isn’t, whether this is part of the game, or if everybody is fighting for their lives …

- Another genius action heavy romp that includes the best cannibalism scene ever!

3. Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks

The official promo blurb reads:

Do you believe in ghosts? Do we really live on in some conscious form after we die, and is that form capable of communicating with the world of the living?
Aye, right.
That was Jack Parlabane’s stance on the matter, anyway. But this was before he found himself in the more compromising position of being not only dead himself, but worse: dead with an exclusive still to file.
From his position on high, Parlabane relates the events leading up to his demise, largely concerning the efforts of charismatic psychic Gabriel Lafayette to reconcile the scientific with the spiritual by submitting to controlled laboratory tests.
Parlabane is brought in as an observer, due to his capacities as both a sceptic and an expert on deception, but he soon finds his certainties crumbling and his assumptions turned upside down as he encounters phenomena for which he can deduce no rational explanation. Perhaps, in a world in which he can find himself elected rector of an esteemed Scottish university, anything truly is possible.
One thing he knows for certain, however:
Death is not the end – it’s the ultimate undercover assignment.

- As a 'born again' Christian, this was a great read as Brookmyre rips into not just nutters of the occult variety but lumps in the scary fundamentalist religious ones too...

4. A Big Boy Did It and Ran Away

The official promo blurb reads:

Real Life™ blows. Just ask Raymond Ash. As a student, he and his friend Simon thought their futures would be paved with gold discs, gigs and groupies. Instead he’s found himself in his thirties, a nervous new father and an even more nervous new English teacher, facing the fact that responsibility has no escape key.
Small wonder that he takes refuge living a virtual existence online. Everybody has to find their own way of coping. For some it’s affairs, for others it’s the bottle, while for his old mate Simon, it’s serial murder, mass slaughter and professional assassination.
It’s a lifestyle not a million miles from those rock-star dreams: international travel, seven-figure pay cheques, adrenalin rushes and, of course, world-wide notoriety. Simon may have sucked as a lead singer, but as ‘the Black Spirit’ he’s number one with a bullet. More hits than Lennon and McCartney. A performer guaranteed to blow you away.
The last thing on Ray’s troubled mind is a band reunion. For one thing, theirs wasn’t exactly an amicable split, but a slightly larger obstacle is that Simon has been dead for three years. So when Ray glimpses him walking through Glasgow Airport, he assumes he’s seeing things, until Real Life™ starts getting weirder and more violent than any computer game…

- I've played and loved many a computer game in my life, so this novel that transposes modern day action with computer game imagery and plot points made me smile for days...

5. Not the End of the World

The official promo blurb reads:

The crew of an oceanic research vessel goes missing in the Pacific along with their mini-submarine.
An evangelical media star holds a rally next door to a convention in LA devoted to ‘nubile’ cinematic entertainment.
The cops know there’s going to be trouble and they are not disappointed. What they didn’t foresee was the presence in their state of a Glaswegian photographer with an indecipherable accent and a strong dislike of hypocrisy or of a terrorist who seems to have access to plutonium as well as Semtex.

- Porn meets religious nuts with a large does of terrorism, crackles with wicked thoughts and reads like a blockbuster screen play...

Full list of Brookmyre's books:

Quite Ugly One Morning, 1996

Country of the Blind, 1997

Not the End of the World, 1998

One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night, 1999

Boiling a Frog, 2000

A Big Boy did it and Ran Away, 2001

The Sacred Art of Stealing, 2003

Be My Enemy (Or F**k This For a Game of Soldiers), 2004

All Fun and Games until Somebody Loses an Eye, 2005

A Tale Etched in Blood and Hard Black Pencil, 2006

The Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, 2007

A Snowball In Hell, 2008

Pandaemonium, 2009

Darkmatters Review: Dead Man Running

Dead Man Running (15)

Dir. Alex De Rakoff

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Gangsta-trippin

And it’s Rio Ferdinand, he passes to Ashley Cole... Cole passes to um, Danny Dyer and Dyer plays a lovely through ball to erm, 50 cent!? No this is not an all star football game, but rather a Brit gangster effort called ‘Dead Man Running’ (ok I lied about the ball, Cole and Ferdinand are producers for this Lock, Stock n Two Smoking Wideboys).

The plot is of the not unfamiliar ‘man owes evil loan shark lots of cash’, the loan shark - Mr. Thigo (50 ‘ Curtis Jackson’ Cent) gives the poor man – Nick (Tamer Hassan) 24hrs to pay up or lose his life. Nick doesn’t have anything like the £100k he needs so becomes in effect the titular ‘dead man running’.

Thigo wants to make an example of Nick and so makes it impossibly hard for him to raise the cash, and to add to his woes Thigo even takes Nick’s wheelchair-bound mother (a great spunky turn from Brenda Blethyn) hostage. Fiddy isn’t that bad as Thigo, although I think Rio could have probably done just as well if he’d decided to step in front of the camera rather than just producing!?

So who can Nick turn to in his desperate cash seeking plight? Why – his cockney bad boy mate, Bing (Danny Dyer) of course… Cue lots of shady behaviour including fist fighting, drug running, car nicking, assassination and dog racing to name but a few…

It all cracks along nicely – and for a welcome change it doesn’t get too grim, taking a light comic touch where others plough into torture and bloody gore. Hassan and Dyer make a good double act (as previously proved in The Business).

Monet Mazur is on hand as the eye candy girlfriend – playing a high class call girl who specialises in spanking. Director De Rakoff does a decent enough job, Dead Man Running is unlikely to become anyone’s favourite film of the year but it’s worth a watch if you like gangster thrillers.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – gangster fun, if u like that sort of thing)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (it's not easy raising cash in a credit crunch)

Style 7 (cool enough)

Babes 7 (spanky...)

Comedy 7 (darkly funny)

Horror 6 (violent but not gratuitous)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (don't be a debtor...)

Tim Burton's apocalyptic, animated horror film '9' in eye watering HD Quality

Tim Burton's apocalyptic, animated horror film '9' in eye watering HD Quality.

Click the excellent trailer below...

Darkmatters Jennifer's Body COMPETITION

Darkmatters Jennifer's Body COMPETITION!!

Seen the gorgeous Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body yet?

If you live in the UK and wanna win some Jennifer's Body cool stuff - Iphone/Ipod Touch cover, T Shirt (guy's say 'I've seen Jennifer's Body' or girl's say 'I eat boys'), rocking soundtrack with White Lies, Black Kids, Florence and the Machine...

Here's what you have to do:

1. Marvel at the film's cheeky dialogue like this:

Needy Lesnicky: You're a terrible best friend. You stole my toys when we were little. You poured lemonade on my bed.

Jennifer Check: And now I'm eating your boyfriend. At least I'm consistent...

"don't try this at home"

2. Come up with your own suggested two liner using the same opening and closing lines - making up the most outrageous 'terrible best friend action and response from Jennifer' e.g. like this technology / pet cross over theme a friend suggested:

Needy Lesnicky: You're a terrible best friend. You superglued my hamster to my Iphone.

Jennifer Check: And now I'm feed your goldfish into your PS3. At least I'm consistent...

Email your entries to: darkmatters@another.com

- include your answer dialogue and contact details / postal address and choice of 'guy' or 'girl' shirt (then presuming we still have a functioning mail service once the strikes are over we will get the goodies out to you).

Best entries in by 14th November will win, Editor's decision is final...

Good luck!

"beware - smiling cheerleaders"

Darkmatters Review: Borderlands PS3

Borderlands PS3

Developer: Gearbox Software
Publisher: 2K Games

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: gunporn-onlineheaven

Charlie Brooker said on his fun one-shot TV programme ‘Gameswipe’: “Shooting people in the face never gets old” - just one of the excellent observations made (alongside profiling the history of gaming and showing up pompous twats like Mark Kermode who harbour hatred of videogames as being ‘beneath them – although he was talking about the Wii so maybe I can let him off). Anyway, we’re here to talk about Borderlands - the first title in mooted all-new sci-fi action franchise from the tasty people behind such classics as Bioshock.

Borderlands is not your average mainstream game, oh no, this is a combination of the best elements of first-person action titles with player customisation, vehicular combat, strange beasts and cutting dark humour. All presented in a Fallout 3-esq Mad Max kind of world that has been put through a psychedelic ‘cell shader’ and results in looking like the most amazing cartoonish grown up virtual world I’ve had the pleasure of finding myself. I say ‘myself’ but in Borderlands I’m a ‘Siren’ – a female hottie who can ‘phase walk’ i.e. go invisible and move really fast spewing electricity damage to all who I rub against for a few seconds.

"those dogs have seconds to live... but you're probably not looking at the dogs?"

The plot is of the quest to reach a legendary vault or something… It doesn’t really matter because Borderlands is mostly about guns, lots of guns…oh and a near-endless variety in missions, environments, enemies, weapons, loot etc etc. And whilst it rocks really hard in single player mode, Borderlands is an absolute life changing cooperative online experience, allowing for multiple players to share the same game experience simultaneously, freely joining or leave each other’s games at anytime.

As well as the seriously enjoyable shoot-em / loot-em Diablo style gameplay, the writing team behind this are absolutely on my wavelength… I laughed out loud at the film referencing such as Die Hard mix up ‘Bruce McClone’ or ‘Mad Mel’ instead of Mad Max. There are superb trophies to earn too such as ‘My Brother is an Italian Plumber’ for dispatching an enemy Mario style…

Grinding your way to better levels and buying tastier weaponry means that you’ll meet and kill an agreeably eclectic mix of foes including ‘Mutant Midget Psychos’ or ‘Crabworms’ – yep a giant freakshow mixture of those two creatures. There are aliens packing advanced tech and red eyed soldiers who look like Killzone 2 misfits – and skags (half dog, half Predator), lots of skags.

"the road warrior driving bits are great fun"

Borderlands is a wonderful (if violent) experience – it’s not for the weak or the useless at computer games – there is no choice of difficulty level… just the wastelands, the beasts, the guns and promise of zombie downloadable content very soon!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – awesomeness for action / shooter / role players everywhere)

Darkmatters Review: Fantastic Mr Fox

Fantastic Mr Fox (PG)

Dir. Wes Anderson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


ONE WORD SUMMATION: fantastic-cussing-foxbusiness

You may well know the tale of evil farmers ‘Boggis and Bunce and Bean’ - one fat, one short, one lean. Each was a horrible crook, so different in looks but none the less equally mean… But hero of this Roald Dahl adaptation is the quote / unquote “Fantastic” Mr Fox (here voiced to perfection by the gorgeous George Clooney).

This family cinematic treat is an awesome mixture that fuses Dahl's fun foxy tale of wildlife vs farmers with Anderson’s distinctly oddball humour. It works better than I thought it possible, forsaking the current de rigueur CGI trickery for traditional 'stop motion' animation. There is a very distinct look and feel on offer here that you just won’t find anywhere else.

Quality actors are on hand such as Meryl Streep who is great as Mrs Fox, Bill Murray as grumpy Badger and Michael Gambon as mean Farmer Bean. The voice talent all throw themselves into this slightly darker take on the source material which includes new character ‘Kristofferson’ who puts Mr Fox's teenage son Ash (Jason Schwartzman) into a depressive state. The farmer villains are backed up by the token scary character – a flick knife wielding Rat (a suitably nasty Willem Dafoe).


"this poster is for those who've not heard of it - i.e. whose parents didn't love them?"

I saw this with my family and my sons were in stitches at the clever use of the word ‘cuss’ which allows for dialogue between characters that otherwise would be more suited to a Tarantino film such as this ace scene:

Badger: In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all.
Mr. Fox: I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
Badger: The cuss you are.
Mr. Fox: The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?
Badger: No, you cussing with me?
Mr. Fox: Don't cussing point at me!
Badger If you're gonna cuss, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!

Genius stuff! This is a quality film that should stand the test of time; it just goes to show that flashy special effects aren’t everything – which in an age where Transformers is the highest grossing film of the year is good news.

If looking for something that will genuinely amuse both adults and kids alike I’d advise a spot of Fantastic Mr Fox hunting.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – charming and fun, quality Dahl-ism)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (chicken stealing is fun!)

Style 8 (highly visual and unique)

Babes 4 (too hairy for most)

Comedy 7 (pleasingly funny)

Horror 5 (rat is the bag guy)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (do what’s right!)

Darkmatters Review: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

As a young boy I suffered terribly at the hands of my Jane Austen crazed mother. Before I started school I had read Pride and Prejudice and could recite every line uttered by the infamous Mr Darcy – owning to having had to ‘act’ out various scenes for the viewing pleasure of my dear Ma… As a teenager and beyond this enforced Austen ‘experience’ is what I blame for my rebellion and subsequent love of zombie movies. The brain dead, mumbled trash dialogue being a soothing antidote to the years of freakish upper class female swooning and love of balls (the kind where you dance)…

Imagine then my conflicting emotion when I stumbled upon this oddity: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (P&P&Z).

Bewitched and confused in equal measure I could not resist reading this tome which takes 85% of the Austen original text and infuses it with bone-crunching zombie gore and ninja action. The author Seth Grahame-Smith claimed to have created something a bit special i.e. “a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read

Surely this was just a stupid, shameless cash in… but then I heard that film studios were queuing up for the film rights? Maybe, just maybe this was actually the book that would redeem by childhood, put everything into context and allow me to take off my Darcy breeches that I had worn for the last 20 years?

Here’s what you need to know:

Britain is in the grip of a zombie like plague where the dead ‘unfortunates’ come back to life and terrorise the living (and eat their brains when they can). In this alternative age we see the feisty Elizabeth Bennet as a Chinese trained warrior who delights in tackling zombies with katana swords and her trusty Brown Bess musket. So far, so much just like the original…Then of course the dashing Mr Darcy enters her life along with the bad boy Mr Wickham, the arrogant Lady Catherine and all the others from the book. Emotions are wrought, pride and prejudice are exhibited and love eventually wins through – just with copious beheadings, intestine ripping, brain munching interludes…

P&P&Z is a fun idea and it almost works, I can see the film being a smash hit if handled in a Shaun of the Dead / Zombieland style. Jane Austen purists will no doubt hate it… I’m getting a copy for my mother for Christmas!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – Enjoyable for what it is – bring on the film!!)


"Emily Browning would make a good Zombie slaying Elizabeth Bennet!"

Darkmatters Review: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (12a)

Dir. Terry Gilliam

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Imaginariaussus

Dare you step in the crazed ‘Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus’ – if so you’ll witness wonders from the deepest Monty Python addled recesses of fantasy. Be careful though, don’t come expecting a plot that you can grasp easily or for that matter a sequel to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

This is the sublimely fantastical tale of the ancient Dr Parnassus (Christopher ‘voice of the old guy in UP’ Plummer) who is the main feature of a strange travelling show or ‘imaginarium’ if you will. This creaking old school fairground attraction includes a mirror which allows people to pass into the mind of the Doctor and find possible redemption. Assisted by an oddball crew of the vertically challenged Percy (Verne ‘Mini Me from Austen Powers’ Troyer) and whimsical helper Anton (Andrew Garfield) who has the hots for the Doctor’s 15 year old daughter Valentina (Lily Cole). All the cast deliver the goods and hold their own even when the film is gate crashed by some serious Hollywood heavyweights – see below. Cole is particularly good, proving that she’s not just a pretty face.

It seems that Parnassus has entered into a terrible deal with the Devil Himself (an effectively satanic Tom Waits), which sees the Doctor gaining immortality but at the cost of having to hand over his daughter to Beelzebub on her 16th birthday.


"Lily Cole... yummy!"

With three days to go before Valentina’s fateful birthday, the crew find a possible saviour in the handsome shape of Tony (Heath ‘Dark Knight’ Ledger). This will unfortunately be remembered for the film that Heath Ledger died whilst filming and director Gilliam drafts in Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell to each play the part of ‘Tony’ in various freaky fantasy sequences that work really well. I doubt that many directors could have salvaged the film in quite such an imaginative way.

The visuals of both the grimy modern day London and the garish outlands of the Doctor’s imagination are realised with eye-popping style. My only complaint was that the tone is very uneven at times veering from gallows humour to twee.

So, if you’re a fan of Gilliam’s epic storytelling and mind boggling imaginative films such as Brazil or The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, then you’ll be right at home here. Sure the plotting is ramshackle and sometimes it is all in danger of disappearing up its own ‘Parnassus’ – but there are still wondrously improbable joys to behold here for those willing to take the head-trip.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 - freak um love story fantasy)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (flights of fantasy a go go)

Style 8 (amazing mind altering stuff)

Babes 7 (Lily Cole is hot)

Comedy 7 (some funny moments)

Horror 6 (Not dark enough really)

Spiritual Enlightenment 8 (redemption)

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves = Awesome

UPDATE: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves has hit the UK...

The free multiplayer Beta was fantastic, but the single player campaign is one of the best I've ever experienced... This is what Indy IV should have been - highly polished, jaw dropping visuals and superb game play.

Do the words 'Must Buy' mean anything to you?

I'll see you online:

Cleric20

Darkmatters Review: Zombieland

Zombieland (15)

Dir. Ruben Fleischer

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: topzombie

Welcome to Zombieland – a near future USA where pretty much everyone has been turned into crazed flesh eating zombies by a strange ‘mad cow derivative’ virus. There are a few souls who did not succumb to zombiedom but these unfortunates now find themselves on the menu and in need of a strict list of rules if they are to survive.

Average Joe college boy Columbus (Jesse ‘The Squid and the Whale’ Eisenberg) is ahead of the game having already compiled his list, the highlights of which are:

#1: Cardio – be sure you can outrun zombies!
#2: Beware of Bathrooms – don’t get eaten with your trousers down.
#3: Seatbelts – if you have to crash you car to shake off zombies, be prepared.
#4: Double Tap – make sure every zombie you put down is dead – that extra shot to the head helps!
and my favourite:
#32 Enjoy the little things – like Twinkies before their best before date…

"are you getting the subliminal message about nuts?"

Right from the effectively grisly opening credit montage of zombie attacks set to Metallica's "For Whom the Bell Tolls" this is a US rom-zom-com which comes across like a spiritual big budget follow up to Shawn of the Dead. And just like Shawn, here we have witty dialogue backed up with a likeable cast whose well being you’ll actually care about. This is a rare immediate cult classic that delivers on every level.

Zombieland goes hard for the action vein thanks to Woody Harrelson as wanton zombie slayer ‘Tallahassee’ who gets to wield an impressive number of weapons while trying to track down a Twinkie. The violence is well balanced with some fantastic comedy moments – including the year’s best cameo from one of the Ghostbusters. Director Fleischer doesn’t try to do anything other than entertain; throwing in audacious set pieces that had the audience I caught this with cheering out loud. One such scene has super hot babe of the moment Amber Heard seeking refuge from our nerdy hero Columbus’s arms – only to transform into the best looking zombie you’re likely to see and try and eat him.



"don't let her go down on you!"

The romantic interest comes in the shapely form of Emma Stone’s Wichita, a sassy scam artist who is looking out for her little sister ‘Little Rock’ (Abigail ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ Breslin). So can Columbus ‘nut up’ and get the girl in the face of this zombie apocalypse? You’ll have a riot finding out – Zombieland is highly recommended nonsense, bring on a sequel!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 - nut up or shut up... this rocks hard!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 9 (top notch!)

Style 8 (Like a classy zombie graphic novel come to life)

Babes 8 (Amber Heard + Emma Stone are great!)

Comedy 8 (very funny - Bill Murray especially)

Horror 8 (some satisfyingly grim mutilations)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (everyone should have a code of rules to live by)

Darkmatters Review: The Invention of Lying

The Invention of Lying (12a)

Dir. Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Godbothering

Imagine a world where nobody can lie – not even to create fiction or do any promotional spin. So, in keeping with the spirit of this alternative reality, here’s my fully honest review of the weak and slightly boring new ‘comedy’ film from Ricky Gervais.

The Invention of Lying takes the interesting ‘tell the brutal truth at all times’ idea and has some fun with it for a while. The characters in the film don’t so much have to tell the truth, but seem to have a Tourette’s Syndrome that makes them blurt out whatever they are thinking. For example everyone who meets our hero, Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais), tells him to his face that they think he’s a “fat loser”. At the start of the film even Mark has to abide by the severe honesty convention and so we join him on an amusingly disastrous date with the lovely Anna McDoogles (Jennifer ‘Juno’ Garner).

Things take a dramatic change however when after being sacked Mark is about to be evicted. When in the bank his brain has a misfire and allows him to tell the first lie ever – telling the bank clerk that he has more money in his account than is the case.
Getting away with this he uses his new found skill of deception to seduce women, gain fame and amass a fortune. The one thing he cannot do however is convince Anna who fears having his "chubby, snub-nosed kids", to love him.


"Hey chubby loser, I'm way out of your league!!"

Among his webs of lies Mark tells his dying mother who is scared to go into ‘eternal nothingness’ that there is a heaven where everything is fantastic. Overheard by medical staff this sets in motion the concept of religion and soon the whole world wants to know about the afterlife and what ‘The man in the sky who controls everything’ (who only speaks to Mark) wants us to do. The film falters slightly at this point and it feels that committed atheist Gervais is searching his heart, outlining his issues with God in this very public forum, I hope it helps him find some sort of spiritual peace. The Invention of Lying's aspirations, might be to jump on the Richard Dawkins train of anti-belief but the film can’t quite bring itself to depict faith as being anything other than a beneficial force for mankind overall.

What really torpedoes The Invention of Lying though is that the comedy dries up as in so many formula and under par rom-coms, and that alas is the whole truth!


Darkmatters final rating of: öööö (4 – poor and annoying when it should have been cool and witty)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (not much)

Style 5 (feels alot like Ghost Town did last year)

Babes 7 (Garner is still yummy)

Comedy 8 (biting and very funny but it runs out too soon)

Horror 3 (not much unless you fear chubby losers)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (Made me happy to be a believer)

Darkmatters Review: Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Reviewed by Matt ‘Colin McRae’ Adcock

Brrrrrmmmm – that’s the sound of me burning around a gorgeously detailed rally track, mud spraying from the back of my 1995 Subaru Impreza WRX STi. I’m racing seven other players online with a rock solid frame rate and wonderfully responsive car controls.
Marvel as I close in on the leader, it’s the last lap and he’s taken one of the final corners a little wide. Without hesitating I floor it and slam into the same corner in a four wheel sideways skid. The front of my Subaru catches the back bumper of his Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X, spinning him around wildly, allowing me to speed past and win – the howls of his frustration ringing in my Bluetooth headset…

DiRT 2 is a fantastic game; I have no hesitation in saying that it is currently the peak of virtual off-road driving fun (sure I love both the Motorstorm games but DiRT 2 trumps em)…


"jaws hit the floor - bone crunching jumps are par for the course!"

I’ve always slightly harboured a desire to be a rally driver, up until the day that my wife bought me some time in a real rally car with a pro-instructor who taught me how to powerslide – but also opened my eyes to just how easy it would be to die when tearing through a tree lined course at 150mph!? So I’m happy to stick with a virtual representation of the sport and have played all the Colin McRae games, Sega Rally games, WRC games etc… The first DiRT was good but DiRT 2 is something else…

Massively comprehensive in the range of tracks, cars and modes, superbly playable even for off-road noobs and polished to exquisite levels of presentation, this is one of those rare games that come along once in blue moon and deliver on all fronts. There are even voice responses from the main Rally drivers of the day including Ken Block (whiny) and Dave Mirra (brusk) which adds to the fun when you ‘accidentally’ slam one of them over a cliff edge…
Online this is as addictive as a rally car shaped crack pipe, gratifying and loaded with that ‘one more go’ factor. There are some nicely balanced Trophies to collect – the lure of the elusive but attainable Platinum keeps pulling you back.

If you’ve ever wanted to drive fast off road – this should be the next game you buy… As Tyler Durden might say “It doesn’t get better than this… Good to the last drop!”

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Check this superb advert...

Am loving the Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Beta... and can't wait for the whole game!!

Darkmatters Review: Surrogates

Surrogates (12)

Dir. Jonathan Mostow

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: i-Robot-too

What do you get if you take a cool graphic novel, add Bruce Willis and let the director of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines loose with it? Well, ‘Surrogates’ it seems…


Oh dear…

I don’t know what happened but Surrogates which had everything going for it to be a smash action sci-fi with an interesting subtext about humanity, terrorism and what it is to really ‘live’ – turns out to be steamingly average adaptation that lacks drive and action.

"this is how it should have looked!"

It all kicks off with a murder the first one for years thanks to the use of ‘Surrogates’ – full life size robots that fulfil every human need (whilst we slob out in our homes controlling them with our minds). The FBI are soon on the case with agents Tom Greer (Bruce Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell) who stumble over a plot involving a new Surrogate busting weapon that could spell the end for everyone using a surrogate – i.e. most of us.

The plot is weak - a very watered down sanitized version of the original source material by Robert Venditti… You know you’re in trouble when the cliff hanger ending is focussed around somebody having to type a key on a keyboard to save the day… very poor!

"What could go wrong? Try watching the film..."

Issues such as how do you have a relationship when you’re partner insists on using a Surrogate – as Greer’s wife Maggie (Rosamund Pike) – are fumbled and even the nice nods and references don’t ease the gnawing pain that this could and should have been so much better…

"looks like she needs new batteries"

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 – two of those marks are because I love Brucie)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (needed a bit more really)

Style 7 (B-movie in big budget guise?)

Babes 6 (Rosamund Pike is very watchable)

Comedy 5 (laughable acting in places)

Horror 6 (some disturbing elements – the most being ‘why is Bruce Willis in this mediocre movie?)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life through a Surrogate isn’t real life)

Darkmatters Review: Fame

Fame (PG)

Dir. Kevin Tancharoen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Remembermyname

“Baby look at me, and tell me what you see. You ain't seen the best of me yet, give me time I'll make you forget the rest…”

Fame is back retooled for a new generation and much to my wife’s disgust – without a legwarmer in sight… The basic plot is the same, take one group of variously talented dancers, singers and actors, track them over their four years at the New York City High School of Performing Arts and watch as their dreams either come true or crash and burn.

It’s kind of like X-Factor boot camp but without the judges, and with less convincing ‘talent’.

"Kherington Payne... looks amazing"

The film stands and falls on the personalities of the students we get to follow and that is where the 2009 version doesn’t match up to the 1980 original. First up we have cute but wet Jenny Garrison (Kay ‘Ellen Page lite’ Panabaker) who is struggling with being horribly repressed. She falls for Marco (Asher Book) who is a talented singer but doesn’t take life seriously. Then there’s Victor Taveras (Walter Perez) who is a wannabe producer who falls for supernova hot but aloof blonde dancing sensation Alice Ellerton (Kherington Payne). There’s also a token Hannah Montana graduate in Anna Maria Perez who plays ditzy Joy, and ‘rent a tortured soul’ Kevin Barrett (Paul McGill) who is odds on not to make it to his dream.

Finally there’s Denise Dupree (Naturi Naughton) who is the real deal, packing a voice that Beyoncé wouldn’t be ashamed to call her own. Denise is trapped by her parents who won’t support her dreams of singing and want her only to focus on classical piano forte. Oh almost forgot Malik Washburn (Collins Pennie) as the stereotypical angry black guy from the street…

Each student strives for personal glory but who has the talent and will to succeed? Because as the original film told us, fame costs, and right here is where they start paying – in sweat.

It takes a while to get going however, and unfortunately for the viewer most of the characters and entirely forgettable (which is ironic given the ‘Remember my name’ lyrics to the title song…).

Tancharoen directs this ensemble piece with a detached feeling but in parts it looks excellent – the stand out scenes being Payne’s sizzling dance production to Sam Sparro’s Black and Gold and Naugnton’s two big songs.

At the Luton opening night I caught this at we were also treated to an impromptu pre-credit dance display by a local dance troop, looks like there’s still a lot of Fame hungry youngsters out there!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – updated but not better than the original)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (dance happens...)

Style 7 (nice gritty feel)

Babes 8 (Kherington Payne is off the scale sexy when she moves, not so much when she talks)

Comedy 5 (not funny enough really)

Horror 5 (fear this only if you have a fear of performing arts)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life had both ups and downs)

"one more time... let's hear it for miss Payne"

Darkmatters Review: Gamer

Gamer (18)

Dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who also made CRANK and CRANK: High Voltage

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: shoot-frag-shag-em-up

If Sci-fi shoot em up Gamer is to be believed then the future of gaming consists of nano-cells... They’re real small critters, a thousand times smaller than dust particles... If you inhaled a cloud of them you wouldn’t even know until it was too late – they’d be replicating, spreading like a virus, multiplying in exponentials throughout your nervous system. In under just six months a hundred million people could be ‘converted’ and by that I actually mean ‘enslaved’. Yes, this is Gamer and we’re in a dystopian future where nano-cell infused people can be controlled by players and there are two big games featuring this incredible (if morally dubious) technology.

"kill or be killed..."

First up is ‘Society’, a Second Life like game that looks like a real life version of the PS3’s ‘Home’ just without any moral boundaries. Players pay to control real people – who get paid for letting themselves be controlled, and there don’t seem to be any limits as to what they can be made to do… Needless to say that this set up leads to a lot of stereotypical fat male gaming slobs perving as they make scantily clad hot females act out their fantasies.


"choose your plaything..."

Then there’s the even darker alternative game ‘Slayers’ which is where death row inmates are controlled by gamers in battle games that play out like real life Call of Duty or Killzone 2 levels. High powered weaponry and armour can be downloaded to the players for a price as can various mods (modifications to the players abilities). In a Running Man styled incentive, if a player survives 30 games, they win their freedom with a full pardon but no-one has yet achieved this goal.

Step up grizzled macho hero Kable (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) who has become a celebrity star of Slayers by surviving 27 games. Will he – controlled by his hotshot 17 year player Simon (Logan ‘3:10 to Yuma’ Lerman) – be the first to win his freedom? Could he even be the one to escape the Slayers game world, find and free his wife Angie (Amber ‘Transporter 2’ Valletta) who is being sexually exploited in ‘Society’ and generally save the world? Obviously there are some off the shelf rebels who try to assist Kable – led by rapper Chris “Ludacris” Bridges – who start to slip his player Simon some illegal mods such as one that allows him to directly talk to Kable in game. But the Humanz as the rebels call themselves feel a bit tacked on to the main one man against the odds plotline.


"Mr n Mrs 'sex n violence 2009...'"

Both the nano-cell based games are created by nasty media mogul Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall from TV’s Dexter) who seems to have plans to expand the games to the point where we are all being ‘played’… But Kable might just be the man to foil Castle’s dastardly plan – so he must be silenced at any cost…

Directors Neveldine and Taylor have carved out reputations for making films that kick ass first and ask questions later with the two Crank flicks. Gamer continues the dim witted hyperkinetic action elements of the Crank series but ups the firepower. Things get blown up in high definition, cars, helicopters and of course people get demolished in blood thirsty close up. Then for the ultimate sex n violence combo we have ‘Society’ which delivers pulsing babes and nudity to the strains of The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.”

Darkmatters Verdict:

Gamer isn’t actually as big or clever as I suspect the makers were secretly hoping it to be but it does deliver some tasty wham bang action, gratuitously sexist titillation and interesting conceptualisation as to what the future of gaming holds. If the next generation of consoles come with a head chips to insert, it might be wise to stick with the trusty PS3!?
All in all it’s a perfect Friday night romp.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – if you see one game based film this year)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (intense combat action in bursts)

Style 7 (frenzied future freakshow)

Babes 7 (Amber Valletta a major babe)

Comedy 6 (moments of fun)

Horror 8 (nasty in places)

Spiritual Enlightenment -3 (soul sapping)


"the future is short shorts..."

Darkmatters Review: The Firm 2009

The Firm (18)

Dir. Nick Love, who also made The Business, Outlaw and The Football Factory

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: an’80sfootballfactory

Nick Love burst back onto the footie-chav-em-up scene following up his ‘revenge is big and clever actually’ Daily Mail reader pleasing Outlaw. This time he’s gone and remade The Firm - one of the best dramas about football violence (only bettered by the superb I.D. for me).

In fact here’s a quick Darkmatters top 5 football hooligan films:

1. I.D.
2. The Firm (1988)
3. The Football Factory
4. Rise of the Footsoldier
5. The Firm (2009)

The Firm remake tells the tale of young Dom (Calum ‘Danny Dyer mk II’ McNab) a 17-year-old who tells us that he’s “looking for more from life than break dancing and fingering his best mate’s little sister”… Alas what he finds is the West Ham Firm led by scary weasel-ish psycho Bex (Paul Anderson taking on the Gary Oldman role from the original).

Overall The Firm ’09 passes muster and is far better than the ‘hobbit football rampage’ of Green Street and the weak ass Green Street 2: Stand Your Ground which has to be the low point of this whole sub-genre.

Nick Love films always have top soundtracks and there are some wicked ’80s tunes here that help set the scene along with authentically bad clobber including the worst excesses of the track suit casual culture that will make anyone who lived through them cringe.

The violence is kept scary, messy and vicious, and thankfully less glamorised than in many footy hooligan flicks. If you’re into foot ruck films then you should check this out, if not then you’re unlikely to be converted and may never venture near a football ground ever again.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – a decent effort but outclassed by older firms)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (bring your bottles and stanley knives)

Style 7 (great '80s look)

Babes 6 (Dom's cherry busting babe is the highlight)

Comedy 8 (The parents are really funny and get most of the best lines)

Horror 8 (nasty enough to de-glamorise)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (only mugs join firms?)

Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 'boob motion control' on PS3

"Ninjas, violence and dualshock motion control"

"As you can see - NGS2 retains all the bloody battling of the 360 version"

Check this video - it is either the most sexist thing ever or a work of artistic genius...


Let me know your thoughts...

Mesrine: Killer Instinct - L'Instinct De Mort and Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One - L'Ennemi Public No 1

Alors – here’s your chance to spend more than four hours in the company of possibly the most dangerous Frenchman ever…

Mesrine: Killer Instinct - L'Instinct De Mort (15)

et

Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One - L'Ennemi Public No 1 (15)

Dir. Jean-François Richet, who made the Assault on Precinct 13 remake.

Reviewed by Matt ‘le Roast Beef’ Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: legloriousbastard

Zut mon frère, Il y a un ‘two-part crim-em-up’ bio of France's public enemy number un.

Vincent Cassel steps into the large shoes of Jacques Mesrine, the craziest French crimelord you may never have ever heard of… In Mesrine: Killer Instinct we get to see this bad boy’s rise to prominence as he wheels, deals and blows people away in a bid to impress local crime boss Guido (Gérard Depardieu). Then in Public Enemy Number One we find Mesrine (still Cassel) we get to see the gangster grow too big for his boots, believing his own press and getting complacent in the arms of his hottie girlfriend (Ludivine ‘Swimming Pool’ Sagnier).


Jacques Mesrine was a crazy son of a gun who loved himself and wouldn’t let anything stand in his way… Richet directs at a leisurely pace but packs in lots of action – especially in Killer Instinct which cranks up the violent mayhem to the point that it’s easy to forget that most of it is based in fact. Not content with breaking out of maximum security jails, Mesrine is insane enough to try and break back in and rescue his pals…

Once you’ve invested in part one though, you’ll have to come back for part two, Mesrine: Public Enemy… The second film delves deeper into the man’s obsession with his own achievements. You know it’ll end badly for the charismatic froggy baddie but it’s a compelling ride all the way to the blood soaked finale.

Both films are worth your time – I rate em:

Mesrine: Killer Instinct

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – a joyride of criminal destruction)

Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – decent end of the road for le gangster)


"Ludivine ‘Swimming Pool’ Sagnier"

Darkmatters Review: Fish Tank

Fish Tank (15)

Dir. Andrea Arnold, who also made the gritty Red Road

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: bleakhope

As rapper Nas said “Life’s a bitch and then you die…” and that pretty much sums up Fish Tank, a gritty yet poignant British film that is liable to blow your socks right off.

Venture with me into a seriously Chav estate where the dogs run wild, the children are mostly feral and nobody has a chance. See that cute but mouthy 15-year-old? That’s Mia (an awesome natural-feeling performance from newcomer Katie Jarvis who is going to be star). Mia’s life is pretty rubbish, excluded from school, verbally abused by her slag of a mum (a scarily convincing Kierston ‘Rise of the Footsoldier’ Wareing) and at odds with her so call friends. With nothing but her vague dream of becoming a dancer to guide her, Mia drinks, fights, swears and harbours more resentment than any youngster should really have to deal with… Then one day he mum brings home a new boyfriend – a cut above her usual men, Conor (Michael ‘Inglorious Basterds and Eden Lake’ Fassbender) seems like an Adonis of charismatic, sexy opportunity. Mia initially doesn’t know what to make of this guy who oozes erotic tension in the way he looks her up and down but acts like he just wants to be her mate / surrogate father figure.

Conor introduces Mia and her small family which includes her hard as nails little sister Tyler (Rebecca Griffiths) to new things like… a trip to the countryside where he and Mia catch a fish much to the disgust and ridicule of the others… but has Conor got other things on his agenda that he’s like to introduce Mia to? Is he a wrong-un grooming her or is he really a decent bloke?


"Think a British Flashdance without the glam crap or the happy ending"

Barking council won’t be thrilled by the depiction of the estate wilderness that Mia lives in - the gloomy bleakness of the crowded concrete jungle reeks of neglect, this is the England that haunts the nightmares of Daily Mail readers.

It’s a fish tank – where kids like Mia might want to escape from and swim in the free ocean but never can get past the grimy glass walls that hold them in.

Plot-wise it’s better not to know too much as the tension ramps up considerably as the interplay between the convincing characters becomes sexually charged and dangerous. Jarvis is superb and her chemistry with Fassbender is unnerving. Apparently Arnold found Jarvis witnessing her having a blazing row with her boyfriend at Tilbury Town Station. The events spiral downwards dragging the audience kicking and screaming into a dark swerve of 100mph nail-biting, drunk driving, head on collision with issues that many wouldn’t dare depict on the big screen...


"Do you come here often?"

Fish Tank is a ride worth taking – potentially the best British film of the year. If you’ve the stomach to witness the harshness of real life for those who are trapped in the fish tanks of sink estates, this delivers over and above expectations. It's genius…

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – masterful stuff, highly recommended)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (flashpoints)

Style 7 (drips with urban grime)

Babes 8 (Katie Jarvis is going to be a babe)

Comedy 6 (tragically comic in places)

Horror 5 (not too horrible)

Spiritual Enlightenment 7 (live, love and give as good as you get)

Official Site: http://www.fishtankmovie.com/


"Katie Jarvis - less Chav out of costume!"

Read a great interview with her over at Little White Lies

Star Wars - Total Film has unseen pics!!

"we need more buns"


"The dark side in effect?"

"Fly the friendly skies..."

Total Film has some quality rarely seen Star Wars pics - like those above...

Click here to see em

or click here to see Leia in her slave girl glory

Darkmatters Review: Dorian Gray

Dorian Gray (15)

Dir. Oliver Parker (St Trinian’s, The Importance of Being Earnest)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (in Luton with the man who screams at horror i.e. Matt Landsman)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: stuffmedouble

Oscar Wilde’s tale of damned souls and eternal youth is given another big screen outing thanks to Oliver ‘St Trinian’s’ Parker. It’s a relatively faithful retelling of how swoony young Dorian (Ben ‘Prince Caspian’ Barnes) trades his soul for the ultimate ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Imagine having a painting that ages and takes the physical damage for you whilst you live a life unblemished and unharmed no matter what you get up to… It’s a great dark, plot that should make for a powerful gothic horror of man’s insatiable carnal appetites but somehow this version plays it far too safe and reserved.
The best thing on offer here is Colin Firth as Lord Henry Wotton, a kind of Mr Darcy gone over to the dark side, who initially revels in leading young Dorian astray. Firth plays his role with gusto and delivers some of the best lines with aplomb – for female readers though I have to relate the sad news that at no time does he get soaked whilst wearing his trademark white shirt.
Barnes does an ok job in the title role but never really convinces as a maverick libertine, he suffers from simply being too nice. Even when seducing a society matron while her young daughter (who he’d just finished deflowering) hides underneath the bed he looks more startled teen than smooth ladies man. He never looks very comfortable during the same sex clinches he explores in his debauched lifestyle either- really, there’s no pleasing some people!?

"For Narnia!! Oh, sorry, wrong film..."

So everything ticks along agreeably and it all looks rather nice but there’s nothing here to send shivers up your spine, least of all the infamous portrait which suffers from some distinctly lackluster CGI effects. It’s like the makers are a bit worried that it might frighten the audience too much so opt for a genteel generic zombie-lite painting.
My esteemed friend Matt Landsman who I saw this with (and who normally screams like a girl at horror films) made a really good point as we discussed this one – what Dorian Gray really needs is the Tim Burton treatment. That could have made this a classic film adaptation rather than the glossy vacuous and ironically soul-less effort that Parker delivers.
So Wilde’s tale still awaits a full blooded effort but thanks to this one we’ll probably never see it…

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 – neither terrible nor excellent)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (weak on the action front)

Style 7 (there's some money been thrown at the look - but not enough)

Babes 7 (Rachel Hurd-Wood is yummy)

Comedy 6 (darkly funny in parts)

Horror 6 (not really scary enough)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (average morality tale)

Darkmatters Review: District 9

District 9 (15)

Dir. Neill Blomkamp - this is his first major film - was going to direct 'Halo' but it didn't work out...

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (in a mixed crowd of humans and aliens in Stevenage)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: spicyprawncocktail

Attention human readers – please note some important details of how to interact with our current alien visitors.

1. When dealing with aliens, try to be polite, but firm. And always remember that a smile is cheaper than a bullet.

2. The aliens are not ‘prawns’ and it is offensive to call them such.

3. If you accidentally ingest any of the alien fuel, please report any changes to your body to authorities as soon as possible – we only want to help.

Thank you for your co-operation.

District 9 is a hot new sci-fi, a Peter ‘Lord of the Rings’ Jackson presentation no less. Director Neil Blomkamp (who Jackson picked to direct the ill fated ‘Halo’ movie) delivers a startlingly fresh slice of intergalactic race relations gone awry. It is 20 years you see since a massive alien spaceship parked mysteriously over Johannesburg, and since then the aliens or ‘prawns’ as we nickname them, have been housed in a slum like refugee camp called District 9 underneath.
We join pen pushing doormat Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley) who works for Multi-National United (MNU) – a shady corporate security force - on the day he gets promoted to project manage the forceful relocation of the aliens from District 9. It seems the camp has become a hive of scum and villainy and human / alien relations are becoming strained to breaking point. So far, so much of a sci-fi apartheid allegory but District 9 is far more then that. Whilst going about his job of serving eviction notices Wikus gets exposed to some alien fuel and begins to his horror to transform into one of the ‘prawns’.
This changes more than just his body – although there are suitably icky special effects as he undergoes a ‘Fly’ like metamorphosis. Teaming up with a prawn visitor called Christopher, who seems to have a hidden plan, can Wikus escape MNU who now want him as his DNA is key to unlocking the alien weaponry?
Speaking of which, I wonder if that alien Mech battle armour suit might come into play in a wonderful pulse pounding climatic battle?
District 9 is an excellent new addition to the sci-fi hall of fame, featuring smart, funny dialogue and packing some excellent action and special effects – this is the complete package.


"Highly recommended viewing for humans and aliens alike... "

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – original, excellent ideas bakced up with stylish direction and tasty action)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (I'm a sucked for Mech battle suits!)

Style 8 (has a unique look and feel all its own)

Babes 5 (not so much)

Comedy 7 (some great horror comedy elements)

Horror 8 (nasty body transformation!)

Spiritual Enlightenment 7 (respeect should be intergalactic)

God of War one and two come to PS3 - oh yes!!

All Heaven Declares - God of War® Collection Announced for PS3

This just in from Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA):
A new and exclusive PlayStation®3 (PS3™) offering for the critically acclaimed God of War® franchise, God of War® Collection. Scheduled for release this holiday season, God of War Collection will feature reworked versions of both God of War® and God of War® II on a single Blu-ray Disc™ at full 1280 x 720 resolution. Both critically acclaimed games, which were originally developed for the PlayStation®2 computer entertainment system, have been remastered with anti-aliased graphics running at 60 frames per second for a smooth gameplay experience on the PS3 system. Additionally, the Blu-ray Disc compilation will bring PlayStation®Network (PSN) trophy support to the franchise for the first time (included for both games).

God of War was:
Set in the dark world of ancient Greek mythology, players take on the role of Kratos, a Spartan warrior. Plagued by the nightmares of his past, the ash covered warrior would do anything to be free of his debt to the Gods and the memories that haunt him. For ten years he has labored for Olympus, now on the verge of losing all hope, the Gods have given him one last task. Destroy Ares, the God of War. Armed with the deadly chained Blades of Chaos, Kratos will have to overcome armies of mythological monsters, legions of undead soldiers, and amazingly dangerous and brutal landscapes.

God of War II was like:
Kratos sits atop his Olympus throne, as the new God of War – far more ruthless than Ares ever was. To end his continued torment, Kratos must journey to the far reaches of the earth and defeat untold horrors and alter that which no mortal, or god has ever changed… his fate. God of War II sets an epic stage for a devastating mythological war to end all wars.

Here's the fun new PS3 adverts they are running in the US?

The Final Destination

The Final Destination 3D (15)

Dir. David R. Ellis - who previously brought you Snakes on a Plane and Final Destination 2

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (watched with a crowd of screaming teens)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: deathfatemirth

If you go down to the NASCAR today you better go in disguise, if you go down to the NASCAR today you’ll never believe your eyes… For every spectator that ever there was will soon be toast for certain because, today’s the day that death himself comes visiting…

So on what should have been a fun-filled day at the races, fresh faced Nick O'Bannon (Bobby Campo) takes his good looking pals to see some NASCAR action but everything changes when he has a horrific premonition. Through a freak sequence of events, multiple race cars crash and shower flaming debris into the stands killing both his friends and a select bunch of random stereotypes (a racist, an attractive all American mom, a good hearted security guard etc). An understandably panicked Nick persuades his super fit girlfriend, Lori (Shantel VanSanten), his friends Janet (Haley Webb) and Hunt (Nick Zano), plus the bunch of doomed stereotypes to leave...escaping seconds before Nick's vision becomes a terrible reality.

So having cheated death, and not having seen Final Destination 1 – 3, the group believe that they have been given a second chance of life, but no, actually they’ve all just volunteered to be bumped off in gruesome, imaginative ways for our viewing pleasure. The Final Destination films only really exist to show us nasty ways to die carried out on the big screen – now in full 3D. Take your pick from various impalings, getting diced by a wire fence, having a very bad time in a carwash or getting minced by escalators etc etc. It feels like the writers have as much fun setting up possible death scenarios as we audience do trying to guess how the next unfortunate is going to buy it.


"maybe taking the stairs would have been safer?"

Director David R. ‘Final Destination 2’ Ellis has form for this bad taste but lots of fun horror / comedy stuff and he embraces the 3D technology whole heartedly. No puncture wound, neck snap or blood splatter is carried out without at least something flying out towards the viewer. I saw at least a couple of people visibly duck or recoil as the special effects appeared to burst right off the screen.

The Final Destination is a pure disposable rollercoaster ride of thrills and spills. If you’ve a hankering to see good looking people meet grisly ends then step right up.


Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – effective deaths in 3D... if that's what you want, that's what you get!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (suitably grim when it comes!)

Style 8 (dying never looked so good)

Babes 8 (Shantel VanSanten is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model)

Comedy 7 (Nice dark humour)

Horror 8 (you'll cringe!)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (life you're life as if every moment was your last?)


Darkmatters review of Final Destination 3


"see Miss VanSanten 'doing' Tatu with Mischa Barton soon"

Darkmatters Review: Shorts

Shorts (PG)

Dir. Robert Rodriguez

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Robert ‘ Spy Kids’ Rodriguez is a director who bounces between making violent thrill-ride action flicks like Sin City and Planet Terror – and making fun fantasy kids movies that engage the imagination like Spy Kids and The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D.

Shorts is very much of his wacky ‘kids’ stable of films and is a chapter based tale, made up of five ‘shorts’ each telling a segment of the story from various points of view. Hero of the piece is Toe Thompson (Jimmy ‘young Kirk from Star Trek’ Bennett), he’s a loner geek who gets bullied mercilessly by his boss’s daughter Helvetica Black (Jolie Vanier). One day Toe come across a magical rock which can grant wishes and riotous chaos ensues…

There are an ensemble of adults placed like plot holders including – ‘Dr. Noseworthy’ (William H Macy) as a germ obsessed scientist, snarly bad guy ‘Mr Black’ (James Spader) and the awesomely attractive Kat Dennings as Toe’s big sister Stacey.


"not many kids were killed in the making of Shorts"

Shorts jumbles events and times into the wrong order to make the most of its fairly average ‘what if’ scenario of crazy wish fulfillment plot. My two ‘Spy Kids’ enjoyed this madcap romp which sees Rodreguez writing /producing/editing and even FX supervising. My wife wasn’t quite as impressed, somehow managing to fall asleep towards the end!?


"deathmatch - kids versus booger"

Sure – it’s not his best kids film to date but it is inventive and packed with slapstick madness that you simply won’t find anywhere else e.g. a giant boogey monster, a crocodile army and transformer style block robot to name but a few.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – hyperactive storytelling, crazy special effects and Kat Dennings too!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (kooky odd action – don’t drink too much soda before watching…)

Style 8 (wackovision to the max)

Babes 8 (Kat Dennings, mmmmmmmm)

Comedy 7 (lots of fun)

Horror 5 (not too grim)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (there’s a moral in there somewhere)


"Kat Dennings - great actress - she's got a lot of front!"

Darkmatters hits half a million readers!

Darkmatters has today tripped the 500,000 visitors counter...

We hope you enjoyed your visit, let us know!!

To celebrate here are some random things Darkmatters like:


"Strange films!"


"Actresses like Emma Watson - surely a superhero movie next for her?"


"PS3 - have you preordered your 'slim' yet?"


"Graphic Novels... wait till you read the graphic novel adaptation of Darkmatters!"


"Babes like the lovely Alexis Bledel"


"Tottenham Hotspur (Top of the Premier League today 23 Aug 2009)"


"Film reviews..."

cheers

Darkmatters Review: Inglorious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds (18)

Dir. Quentin Tarantino

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I need me eight soldiers. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. We're gonna be doing one thing and one thing only... killing Nazis!”

Nazi occupied France is the setting for this blood splattered tale of revenge – told in full riotous energetic ‘Tarantino-Vision.’ There are plots at intertwined here – firstly is that of a young Jewish refugee Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie ‘The Beat That My Heart Skipped’ Laurent) who witnesses her family being exterminated by slimy SS Colonel Hans Landa (a fantastic Christoph Waltz) who is known as the “Jew Hunter”. Several years later Dreyfus is given the chance to avenge her family when the Nazi high command decide to host the premiere of their new war propaganda movie at the cinema she now runs. With the promise of every major Nazi officer in attendance, the screening also becomes the target of a British plan to blow the place up and this brings in the "Basterds", a ruthless group of Jewish-American guerrilla soldiers led by the slightly insane Lt. Aldo Raine.

The chapters build up to the fateful night which sees Raine (Brad Pitt on larger than life form) and his men trying to blow up the cinema unaware that Dreyfus has a similar plan. As news filters through that Hitler himself is planning to attend – the outcome of the whole war could be decided on one evening – obviously Tarantino is playing fast and loose with history here.

All the cast deliver the goods, Diane ‘National Treasure’ Kruger and Mélanie Laurent provide the wartime eye-candy, whilst long term Tarantino pal Eli Roth provides some great comic moments and Michael ‘Eden Lake’ Fassbender is perfect as Brit agent Lt. Archie Hicox.


"revenge on her mind..."

Inglorious Basterds delivers everything we’ve come to expect from the self confessed ‘cine-nerd-lord’ Tarantino – stirring brutal violence, arrogantly overblown dialogue, cool but naïvely over the top scenes staged to perfection. It’s a madcap clash of harrowing evil, laugh out loud dark comedy and simplistic storytelling – and it works a treat.

Sure Tarantino’s war effort is chock full of references (and blatant rip offs) from pretty much every influential Second World War movie you’d care to name, but he only picks the good bits, so Inglorious Basterds ends up being a seismic home run of viewing pleasure.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – WWII gets a rip roaring, blood soaked make over)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (nasty, stylish - exactly what you want!)

Style 8 (the Taratino factor is strong in this one...)

Babes 7 (Mélanie Laurent is yummy, - so is Diane Kruger)

Comedy 7 (dark comic moments throughout)

Horror 8 (war is hell...)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (The Nazis had it coming!)


"Kruger trying some interesting fashion..."


"Zut alors... Mélanie Laurent!?"

Darkmatters Review: Antichrist

Antichrist (18)

Dir. Lars von Trier

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You hear the one about the deer, the fox and the crow – creatures in the service of Satan’s Church or ‘Nature’ whose dominion is chaos and whose way is sexual guilt? No? Well if you venture past the extreme hype and reaction of the critics, the cries of horror from the media *cough Daily Mail cough* and the reactionary masses who like to throw stones without actually seeing the film itself… step into the freaky, gorgeously shot, heavily psychoanalytic Antichrist – as a Christian I simply could not pass up the opportunity to see a film with such an intriguing title!?

Before I go on - I feel compelled to reprint what the esteemed (if utterly blinkered)
Christopher Hart, writing for the Daily Mail says:

"You do not need to see Lars von Trier's Antichrist (which is released later this week) to know how revolting it is.

I haven't seen it myself, nor shall I - and I speak as a broad-minded arts critic, strongly libertarian in tendency. But merely reading about Antichrist is stomach-turning, and enough to form a judgment."

If that's true then potentially you'll never need to see another film in your life... just read the reviews and be happy with that!? Anyway, back to the "sick, pretentious trash, fully confirming our jihadist enemies' view of us as a society in the last stages of corruption and decay." Read his whole rant here...

Lars von Trier is the complex Danish director of Dancer in the Dark and Dogville – self proclaimed ‘Greatest film director in the world’… His latest film is a strange emotionally charged dive through the looking-glass into a feminine universe of victimization, guilt and sexual energy, dressed up in the trappings of a body shock horror mixed with slow burning character interaction and deep exploration of trauma.

Willem Dafoe gets to flash his knob and generally feel the wrath of mentally unhinged femininity after he and his wife lose their child through a tragic accident (a startling prologue shot in black and white, which runs in slow motion and shows the couple engaged in non simulated sex whilst their young boy climbs out of their window and falls to his death). Did the wife (Charlotte Gainsbourg) see the child putting himself in peril but was too engrossed in her orgasm to bother to save him? That’s what it seems to be saying… Is she crazy? Uncaring? Murderous even? Yes this is strong stuff and it is not subtly told. It is engaging and highly thought provoking though.

Nature is actually one of the main characters here, with the aforementioned deer symbolising fertility mixed with death (the clue is her dead young bambi hanging from her vulva): the fox symbolising lucidity and tasked with warning of the rule of chaos - "CHAOS RULES!" he shouts at one point; and then there’s the crow, potentially riffing on the regeneration mythos of The Crow (great film) transfiguring death through decomposition and stubborn clinging to life.



The film unfolds in a series of titled chapters – ‘Grief’ is the first and follows the crushing repercussions of the parents trying (and failing in her case) to come to terms with the grief. Fortunately, or not so actually, the father is a psychotherapist who wants to try his hand at therapy on his wife… Not necessarily a good idea…

This leads to the chapter – ‘Pain’ (Chaos Reigns) where go back to the cabin in the woods where she went to write her thesis on the way that the church has traditionally victimised women – especially those who they deemed overly sexual or powerful (witches?).

The chapters – ‘Despair’ (Gynocide) and – ‘The Three Beggars’ wrap up this veritable freak show in a swirling descent into madness with graphic violence. You’ll squirm, you’ll cringe and possibly like one viewer in the screening I saw this at shout “You’ve got to be F88king joking!” This isn’t a feel good or easy film to watch – most of what you might have heard about the self mutilation and general hardcore grimness is warranted, is it overkill? Is the director simply trying to see how far you can go on screen? Quite possibly…

Perhaps reading The Three Beggars, by William Butler Yeats (1865-1939), in full will help your comprehension of the film – so here it is:

"Though to my feathers in the wet,
I have stood here from break of day.
I have not found a thing to eat,
For only rubbish comes my way.
Am I to live on lebeen-lone?'
Muttered the old crane of Gort.
"For all my pains on lebeen-lone?'

King Guaire walked amid his court
The palace-yard and river-side
And there to three old beggars said,
"You that have wandered far and wide
Can ravel out what's in my head.
Do men who least desire get most,
Or get the most who most desire?'
A beggar said, "They get the most
Whom man or devil cannot tire,
And what could make their muscles taut
Unless desire had made them so?'
But Guaire laughed with secret thought,
"If that be true as it seems true,
One of you three is a rich man,
For he shall have a thousand pounds
Who is first asleep, if but he can
Sleep before the third noon sounds."
And thereon, merry as a bird
With his old thoughts, King Guaire went
From river-side and palace-yard
And left them to their argument.
"And if I win,' one beggar said,
'Though I am old I shall persuade
A pretty girl to share my bed';
The second: "I shall learn a trade';
The third: "I'll hurry' to the course
Among the other gentlemen,
And lay it all upon a horse';
The second: "I have thought again:
A farmer has more dignity.'
One to another sighed and cried:
The exorbitant dreams of beggary.
That idleness had borne to pride,
Sang through their teeth from noon to noon;
And when the sccond twilight brought
The frenzy of the beggars' moon
None closed his blood-shot eyes but sought
To keep his fellows from their sleep;
All shouted till their anger grew
And they were whirling in a heap.

They mauled and bit the whole night through;
They mauled and bit till the day shone;
They mauled and bit through all that day
And till another night had gone,
Or if they made a moment's stay
They sat upon their heels to rail,,
And when old Guaire came and stood
Before the three to end this tale,
They were commingling lice and blood
"Time's up,' he cried, and all the three
With blood-shot eyes upon him stared.
"Time's up,' he eried, and all the three
Fell down upon the dust and snored.

`Maybe I shall be lucky yet,
Now they are silent,' said the crane.
`Though to my feathers in the wet
I've stood as I were made of stone
And seen the rubbish run about,
It's certain there are trout somewhere
And maybe I shall take a trout
but I do not seem to care.'

- or not…


Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – weird and almost wonderful but very shocking and not for the faint of heart!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (you'll hide the scissors… from any women in your life)

Style 8 (supremely stylish horror, a thinking person’s Hostel?)

Babes 6 (Gainsborough is the same age as my wife – but not as hot!)

Comedy 6 (you might laugh but you’ll doubt your sanity soon after)

Horror 9 (deeply unpleasant things await)

Spiritual Enlightenment -9 (like a vacuum for the soul)

Darkmatters Review: Moon

Moon (15)

Dir. Duncan Jones

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome to the Helium 3 solar energy harvesting mining complex on the moon – it’s literally “The last place you'd ever expect to find yourself”…

Moon is an amazing head trip from director Duncan Jones – also known as ‘Zowie Bowie’ yes, son of Major Tom himself David. In the near future earth's energy requirements have been solved thanks to the miracle of Helium 3, basically solar energy absorbed by moon rocks and sitting there waiting for us to mine it and send it back to earth.

Sam Bell (Sam ‘The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford’ Rockwell), is the lone miner serving his three year shift alone in the Lunar Industries mining complex that is pretty much completely automated. With just a couple of weeks left before he can return home to his foxy wife (Dominique ‘Dark Floors’ McElligott) and his daughter Eve (Kaya ‘Effy from Skins’ Scodelario). Sam’s only company in the moon complex is GERTY a HAL-like computer that has an emoticon – smiley face / sad face screen and larger robot arm… GERTY (voiced to perfection by Kevin Spacey) is programmed to protect and look after Sam, but he begins to suspect that all is not what it seems after things take a drastic turn when he has an accident…


"one small drive for man..."

The Clint ‘former lead singer of PWEI’ Mansell melancholy soundtrack works with some truly inspired visuals to create a captivating mood of pervading pensiveness. This is backed up by a slow burning and understatedly intelligent script that goes more for a build up of hypertension rather than bang-whizz jump from your seat shocks.

The special effects work well too, putting to shame many bigger budget sci-fi efforts, Moon’s closest space based companion film from the last decade for me was the Danny Boyle’s excellent ‘Sunshine’.

I won’t go into any details of the plot as Moon is a film best enjoyed without knowing too much about it… All I will say is that despite the slow pace and lack of traditional ‘action’, Moon still blew me away, there were echoes of one of my favourite sci-fi films Peter Hyams’ ‘Outland’ at times as a countdown to arrival mechanism comes into play…

Sam Rockwell is gives a great performance as a man driven over the edge by forces he cannot contemplate – I urge you check this out as it is certainly one of the top ten best films of 2009!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – in space nobody will hear your jaw drop…)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (just enough and perfect when it happens)

Style 9 (ground control to Major Tom, love the look of your film!)

Babes 6 (there are babes but not in the flesh)

Comedy 6 (limited by some nice comic moments)

Horror 7 (psychological)

Spiritual Enlightenment 8 (would you get on with yourself?)